An anchor and three stars

This is a shitty recording of a song that I wrote for MK and Jenny's wedding. The song needs work. Suggestions are welcome:

"An Anchor and Three Stars"

Lyrics

You taught me all the parts
to be an anchor and three stars
(the images we ink
into our friends' and lovers' arms).

The view from where you leave
it never rests.
And all the loving birds in flight
stare back into the nest
and take a breath.

Once in our life
our steps seem to coincide
freezing us in time.
Our flight protracts into a glide.

It follows naturally
that two falling bodies grow
into ivy helices
before the fall, before the snow
covers the leaves.

Once in our life
the walls come down
crushing all you knew.
And I will be standing next to you.

Comments

this is a very pretty song. excellent guitar work, even more awesome than usual.

things i love about this song:

• gutsy use of the word "helices"
• good use of piano in the arrangement
• lovely offbeat rhythms on the refrain
• gorgeous melodies!

some ideas for changes

• the lyrics in the verses could be stronger. the imagery you invoke is attractive, but it doesn't seem to me to be particularly directed, focused.
• the structure at the beginning is a little confusing, mostly because the second line in the verse the second time around is so much shorter, making you think maybe it's a new section. maybe you could extend that line? you probably don't have to, though.

If we make a new band, we're playing the hell out of this one.

Gabemcelwain 10:08, 14 August 2007 (PDT)